Familiar Places & Seeing Changes

It's been busy lately,

Crazy-busy,

But the days have also been full of joy,

Of happiness,

Of blessings.

It's been great to see old friends,

Wonderful to spend time with them,

To catch up.

It's been difficult getting out of bed in the morning,

Finding enough time for a decent amount of sleep

While still making time for other things,

Other people,

Building relationships.

It's been great to sit and eat together,

To sit and talk together,

To sit and pray together,

To come together again,

Reunited,

Friends,

Sisters and brothers in Christ.

It's been hard to adjust to heavy loads,

Walking outside on hot summer days,

Feeling the stickiness of "unnaturally humid" nights.

It's been wonderful to meet new people,

To sit with and get to know those I have never seen before,

To care about them,

Genuinely care about them,

And focus on them rather than myself.

Most amazing of all has been the change in me,

The expansion of my comfort zone,

How I am now comfortable reaching out to people I don't know,

Talking more openly with people I do know,

And handing out copies of my EP to many of my friends,

Yes, handing out copies of the EP that has two tracks I'm not very happy with,

Freely,

Willingly,

Without hesitation,

And not realizing until later exactly what I'd just done.

I'm getting more used to this,

Socializing,

Sharing,

Offering my work in spite of all of my insecurities about it,

All of my doubts,

All of the disclaimers I would like to make . . .

“It's not very good.”

“I was trying new things, so I'm not sure two of the songs came out that well.”

“I was having some problems with my breath support, so it might not sound quite right. I'm doing a lot better now, but it was too late for the project.”

“It wasn't recorded in a studio, so it doesn't sound so great.”

“I don't really like some of these songs. I don't even know why I record them and give them out to people. I guess I write them because it's my passion and record them because it seems like the next logical step.”

It's not easy for me.

I'm shy.

It's hard for me to get to know people,

Hard for me to talk to people,

Hard for me to make friends,

And really hard for me to offer my art to others when I don't think it's any good.

I've learned to accept the fact that I'm my worst critic,

Appreciate the encouragement I get from others,

Allow my friends' comments to uplift me and help me to keep writing,

And refrain from listing the disclaimers when I hand out my work -

To restrain myself in the hopes that I will get honest feedback -

. . . Most of the time.

I've learned a lot.

I'm still learning,

And it's still hard,

But it is getting easier.

I can see it in the way that I act,

Feel it in my heart,

The resistance lessening,

A slow process.

I didn't even notice before,

But I've been shown again that it's not noticeable until I come to a familiar place,

A place I've been before,

And start to compare . . .

What was it like last time?

What was I like back then?

Who am I now?

And that's when I see the change.