God Who Sees

It was a nice weekend.

Quiet, peaceful, relaxing.

Too quiet, actually.

I came here seeking answers.

I didn't find any.

It's probably because I'm trying to rush things,

Because I want answers now.

I want answers now because I want to be in control.

Maybe I'm not supposed to be in control.

I should have learned that lesson a thousand times by now,

That I shouldn't be in control,

That I can't be in control,

That, really, it's so much better when I'm not in control,

Because He is in control.

I guess I needed to learn that lesson again.

Of course, the weekend wasn't a total waste.

Time spent with God never is.

He showed me that He is listening,

Really listening,

That he hears me,

Hears the cries of my heart,

My selfish, controlling heart

That's hurting because it doesn't know what the next step is.

He is listening.

He also showed me,

As He once showed another wandering, lost young woman long ago,

(Though much, much more quietly in my case,)

That He is the God Who Sees,

That He sees my hurting heart,

He sees the tears I cry,

He sees me face-down on the floor,

Begging,

Pleading

For direction,

Because I can't do this alone.

He sees.

Apparently, I'm not supposed to have all the answers yet.

Apparently, I'll have to learn again how to trust,

How to fully believe what I already know:

That His timing is so much better than mine,

That He knows what would happen if I had the answers right now,

And He knows that's not what He wants,

That it would be so much better for me to wait.

It's not easy to wait.

Especially for someone as impatient as me.

Especially for someone as controlling as me.

(Well, that probably covers quite a few people, so let's just say it's not easy to wait.  For anyone.)

Still, it's something we all have to do,

And it's something that He wants me to do right now.

It's not going to be easy,

It's not going to feel "safe",

But I will wait,

And as I listen,

As I seek,

The answers will come.

Maybe they're coming already,

Like tiny drops of rain slowly filling an empty glass,

Hints that the path I'm thinking about taking might be okay.

I'm not sure.

I don't know.

Though I see the raindrops falling, I don't know if they're falling for me,

But I will trust,

Even though it is a struggle,

Even though it is a fight,

I will trust.

I will trust that He will get me where He wants me to be,

Eventually,

For He is listening,

And He sees.