It started Friday night, I think -
These thoughts that've been in my mind for years,
Imagined stories I've made up,
Thinking it was good to imagine,
Not realizing that such dark thoughts cast shadows on my soul
And wanting to be the hero of the story can easily be another form of idol-worship -
These thoughts crept slowly but surely toward the front of my mind,
And I tried so hard to say no,
But saying no is awfully hard when there is a part of you that desires -
More than that, is prewired (from years of using those same thought patterns) -
To say yes.
And, really, saying no only does so much
When soul-amnesia sets in
And the silly, stupid things of this world
Start looking a lot bigger and prettier than they actually are.
When that happens, saying no doesn't fix it.
Seeing God does.
I think it was that one episode of NCIS that did it.
It's strange, because my one weekly TV episode isn't usually enough to do that to my mind,
But it did this week.
Maybe it was because of the lack of sleep?
I don't know.
I tried so hard, though.
I listened to sermons,
Listened to Christian music,
Trying to set God before my eyes,
Get Him into my head.
It just didn't go too well.
By Sunday night it was worse than it'd been in months.
I must've sat on my bed for twenty minutes just thinking -
Thinking all these things I know I shouldn't be thinking,
All these things He's been showing me are sin -
And it was so hard to bring my mind back to my room and the task,
To move on with what I was trying to do,
The other thoughts still there,
Ever-present in the back of my mind.
Monday, dear friends came
And I fumbled with words and tried to explain,
And they didn't quite understand,
And, really, most people don't,
Most don't really seem to struggle with this like I do,
But I do,
And so pens went across pages,
And we all bowed low together,
And a sweet friend struggling to understand prayed for me,
Prayed for my thoughts,
And I prayed, too,
Prayed long and hard,
Because I felt so far in
That I knew I couldn't get myself out.
I think it's good for me to feel like that,
Good for me to remember that I am weak,
But He is Strong.
He is strong enough.
Little by little,
Bit by bit,
Things got better over the next days.
Then, Thursday, I walked in to talk with a friend,
Always wanting to know what's going on with me,
Always wanting to know how I am - really,
Always so encouraging.
This week, when he asks how I'm doing,
I answer, "Better than Sunday and Monday."
And just lay my heart open before him,
Best as I can, struggling to explain,
And he asks questions,
Makes me think,
And reminds me that God's already won the victory,
That we don't ever have to think that we'll never be free.
He has things to do,
And I leave under the pretense of doing homework,
But actually end up scribbling it all down on a page,
Desperate to get all of this out of me
(For probably the hundredth time)
And to know that He is worth more,
That He is worth everything.
When I hugged him good-bye this morning,
After Friday morning group prayer
(I thought the best in a long time -
Probably because I was actually awake this week)
I thanked him,
Just for talking with me.
Every little bit this week's been so helpful,
Prying away one finger at a time
On the hand clinging tight to the seemingly-beautiful things
That eventually bring death.
I walk back to my dorm room for my Friday morning nap,
And the only thing I'm thinking is,
"Before the throne of God above,Wow.
I have a strong and perfect plea,
A great high Priest whose Name is Love,
Who ever lives and pleads for me.
My name is graven on His hands . . ."
Reasons 2886-2955 today,
(Been neglecting again this week -
I think I need a sticky note over my mouse or something,
Easy as it's been to get caught up in my school and social to-do lists.)
Seeking to see Him for who He is,
See who He is in what He has done,
- He is the One who sustains His people (Psalm 54:4)
- His Name is Good (Psalm 54:6)
- He saves those who call to Him (Psalm 55:16)
- He hears the voice of those who cry out in distress (Psalm 55:17)
- He rescues His people unharmed from the battle waged against them (Psalm 55:18)
- He rescues His people unharmed from the battle waged against them, even though many oppose them (Psalm 55:18)
- He is enthroned from of old (Psalm 55:19)
- He does not change (Psalm 55:19)
- He will hear those who oppose His people and humble them (Psalm 55:18-19)
- He will hear those who oppose His people and humble them, because the have no fear of Him (Psalm 55:18-19)
- He sustains those who cast their cares on Him (Psalm 55:22)
- He will never let the righteous be shaken (Psalm 55:22)
- He will bring down the wicked into the pit of decay (Psalm 55:23)
- His people praise His Word (Psalm 56:4)
- His people trust in Him and are not afraid (Psalm 56:4)
- The tears of His people are in His record (Psalm 56:8)
- He delivers His people from death (Psalm 56:13)
- He delivers His people's feet from stumbling (Psalm 56:13)
- He delivers His people from death, that they may walk before Him in the light of life (Psalm 56:13)
- He delivers His people's feet from stumbling, that they may walk before Him in the light of life (Psalm 56:13)
- He sends from heaven and saves His people (Psalm 57:3)
- He sends from heaven and saves His people, rebuking those who hotly pursue them (Psalm 57:3)
- He sends forth His Love (Psalm 57:3)
- He sends forth His Faithfulness (Psalm 57:3)
- His Love is great, reaching to the heavens (Psalm 57:10)
- He laughs at those who return at evening, snarling like dogs, and prowl about the city (Psalm 59:6-7)
- He laughs at those who spew from their mouths words as sharp as swords, and think, “Who can hear us?” (Psalm 59:6-7)
- He scoffs at the nations whose people return at evening, snarling like dogs, and prowl about the city (Psalm 59:6-7)
- He scoffs at the nations whose people spew from their mouths words as sharp as swords, and think, “Who can hear us?” (Psalm 59:6-7)
- His people rely on Him (Psalm 59:10)
- He goes before His people and will not let them gloat over those who slander them (Psalm 59:10)
- His people sing of His strength (Psalm 59:16)
- In the morning, His people sing of His Love (Psalm 59:16)
- He is His people's refuge in times of trouble (Psalm 59:16)
- He rejects His people (Psalm 60:1)
- He rejects His people and bursts upon them (Psalm 60:1)
- He has been angry with His people (Psalm 60:1)
- He has shaken the land and torn it open (Psalm 60:2)
- He has shown His people desperate times (Psalm 60:3)
- He has given His people wine that makes them stagger (Psalm 60:3)
- For those who fear Him, He has raised a banner (Psalm 60:4)
- For those who fear Him, He has raised a banner to be unfurled against the bow (Psalm 60:4)
- He has spoken from His sanctuary (Psalm 60:6)
- In triumph He parcels out Shechem (Psalm 60:6)
- In triumph He measures off the Valley of Sukkoth (Psalm 60:6)
- Gilead is His (Psalm 60:7)
- Manasseh is His (Psalm 60:7)
- Ephraim is His helmet (Psalm 60:7)
- Judah is His scepter (Psalm 60:7)
- Moab is His washbasin (Psalm 60:8)
- He tosses His sandal on Edom (Psalm 60:8)
- Over Philistia He shouts in triumph (Psalm 60:8)
- He will bring His people to the fortified city (Psalm 60:9-10)
- He will lead His people to Edom (Psalm 60:9-10)
- He is His people's strong tower (Psalm 61:3)
- He is His people's strong tower against the foe (Psalm 61:3)
- His people long to dwell in His tent forever (Psalm 61:4)
- His people long to take refuge in the shelter of His wings (Psalm 61:4)
- He has heard His people's vows (Psalm 61:5)
- He has given to His chosen one the heritage of those who fear His Name (Psalm 61:5)
- His people's souls find rest in Him (Psalm 62:1)
- Salvation comes from Him (Psalm 62:1)
- He is His people's fortress, they will never be shaken (Psalm 62:2)
- His people's hope comes from Him (Psalm 62:5)
- His people's salvation depends on Him (Psalm 62:7)
- His people's honor depends on Him (Psalm 62:7)
- He is His people's mighty rock (Psalm 62:8)
- Power belongs to Him (Psalm 62:11)
- With Him is unfailing love (Psalm 62:11)
- He rewards everyone according to what they have done (Psalm 62:11)
(Sylvia's already made it to - past - 10,000! So amazing to think of who He is like this!)
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