Thursday, October 13, 2011
I've felt very out of the loop lately
On something that's very important to me,
Something directly connected to my passion -
My passion for music,
For singing and playing
And using that to worship and glorify God.
It's been hard for me to be out of the loop
On something that's so important to me.
It makes me feel like there's favoritism going on
And I'm not the favorite,
Which is something I know I should learn to be okay with,
But that doesn't make it any easier.
(Besides, it's probably all in my head anyway.)
It makes me feel like all the people who tell me that I'm good -
That I have talent,
That my heart is in the right place,
Desiring the right things,
Following the desires God has placed in my heart,
Not my own desires -
Have been lying to me all along.
Maybe I'm not any good.
Maybe I'm really awful and no one wants to tell me because they think it'll hurt my feelings.
Maybe I shouldn't be doing this.
It doesn't even make sense for me to think like that,
But the insecurities just get to me
And my overactive imagination only makes it worse.
So I end up being kind of upset,
Kind of hurt,
Yet trying hard not to be
Because it seems like such a silly thing.
Why should I be upset?
Sure, people are ignoring my passions.
It's not intentional.
I really shouldn't be upset.
It's silly for me to feel that way.
The problem is the logical part.
My heart's not logical.
Maybe it's a silly thing,
But it's how my heart feels when something I desire is kept from me,
And it's even worse because it's my passion,
And I am more sure now than ever before that it is a passion that comes from God.
I don't want to be upset.
It seems like a silly thing to be upset about.
I just can't help it.
It seemed to him like a silly thing
When I met him downstairs at one in the morning,
Explaining that I could not sleep
'Cause I was afraid that my voice was beyond saving.
Now, logically, it makes no sense at all.
Why would a worry like that keep me up all night?
And rationally it's hard to see
Why breath support and quality are matters of death or life.
It seemed to them like a silly thing
That I found their words so very interesting
That I grabbed a pen and started writing
Of where their words had led my thoughts to be.
Culturally, it seemed a little strange.
What is it that I would need to write?
And functionally it doesn't work the same
As a conversation with no literature in sight.
And who said it was a silly thing
For passion to guide the heart?
And who said that it is strange when we
Let our actions reflect who we are?
We're putting lies
Into the minds
Of the ones who'll shape the future.
Others to think
They can't show who they are.
It seemed to me like a silly thing
When unexplained events made my heart start aching.
It felt like I'd failed to succeed
At one of two things that make my life worth living.
Objectively, it's an overreaction.
One missed thing is no reason to cry.
And, honestly, it's all imagination.
There simply are no facts explaining why.
Must be a silly thing.
Well, thank You, God, for all the people who notice,
Who listen to my fears so patiently,
And thank You, God, for these people who know me
And don't believe that it's a silly thing.
No, they don't think that it's a silly thing.
Related post: What I Love
The bold, italicized words are the lyrics to the song "Silly Thing" by Mary Schieferstein, ©2011 Mary Schieferstein.