I love you,
I really, really, really do,
But you don't understand.
I know you're worried about money,
I know you want to protect me,
But you really don't understand.
It's not about money,
It's not about what's safe,
It's not even about me -
It's about Him.
You don't understand passion -
That this is what I love to do,
That this is what I was created to do,
That this is what I can't stop doing,
That every single other option could never, ever hold a candle to this.
Nothing else cuts it.
Nothing else is where I desperately need and want to be.
You think it's all about the money,
That jobs should be chosen based on steady income,
Not heart and desire.
You don't understand that some people choose jobs they love,
And why can't I choose a job I will love, too?
You don't understand my logic -
That I really am aware of all the potential problems,
That I know I'll probably need a second income,
That I know what a crazy industry I want to get into,
That I realize all the strain that it comes with (though, admittedly, not fully).
You don't understand that I live for something different than you -
That if I never marry it won't be the end of the world,
That if the Lord never blesses me with children it will be okay,
That none of that is as important to me as serving Him,
And that I truly believe He wants me to serve Him through this.
You don't understand my impatience -
That I'm sick of this already,
That I'm willing to put up with a couple more years
Because I know how important that piece of paper is for survival.
But I don't know if I can stand two years on top of that,
Another year of practice,
Two huge tests to study for,
The promise of having little to no free time,
Little to no time to write,
For several more years?
Oh, I know I need to learn patience,
I know I need to learn to wait,
And maybe He's trying to teach me that through this,
But could you please just try to understand?
Moreover, you don't understand calling -
That He really does have a plan
And that He calls me to take part in it.
I have spent almost two years praying,
Searching,
Waiting,
Trying to understand where He wants me.
I found it.
I am certain I found it,
And now that I have I want to follow that,
To serve Him with all that I have in me,
To go, now, and do what I love and give Him the glory.
I know you don't understand this,
That you probably never will,
But I do
And, somehow I am going to end up there,
Even if I am obedient to you and wait the several more years,
Even if I give up all the time I want to spend writing to study and learn things I don't care about,
Even if I do exactly what you want until I'm out of school and I have my degree and I'm certified,
Eventually I am going to end up there.
Will you understand then?
Oh, I love you so, so much,
I really, really do,
But it is so hard for me right now
Because you don't understand,
And now I don't understand,
For the only thing my heart desires is to be where He's called,
And I know He desires me to be where He's called,
Yet you are asking me not to go that way,
Or at least to wait those several more years,
And He has also said that I need to be obedient to you,
And how do these things fit together,
And how does it all make sense,
And why can't I understand?
Oh, God, please help me,
Please show me how to understand,
Please teach me to be patient
And teach me how to hold my passion with open hands,
That if You should ask me to wait,
Even if You should take this away,
I would still serve You.
Teach me how to be obedient to you,
Especially if doing so involves being obedient to those who would ask me to do things I don't want to do,
Things that take me in a direction other than Your calling.
Oh, God, I need Your help so much right now.
Please get me through this.
Please help me to somehow understand,
Even just a little.
More importantly,
Most importantly,
Please be with me,
Walk with me,
And help me to walk with You,
No matter what.
Teach me to praise You
Even in this.
I love You
So, so much.
Linking up here today
In my struggle to walk with Him.
Oh, it's all so hard right now,
But praise God for grace!
Also, please read some of the other amazing Walk With Him Wednesday posts, links to which can be found at the bottom of this post . . .
And Christa Wells has an amazing post over here today about writing music (gee, I wonder why I like it so much). Oh, it is so, so true! I'm sure she would feel blessed if you would read it - and it might bless you, too.
