Sorry it's been awhile. Last week was slightly insane.
It was just a couple of weeks ago that all of us women got together,
Listened to words of wisdom from those older than us,
Women married, with children,
Women who have walked with Him longer,
Women who have so much they can teach us.
We asked them all the awkward questions,
The things every young woman wonders but never asks.
We asked them about courtship,
The wedding,
The honeymoon,
Marriage.
We also asked them about less awkward things
Like friendship.
They spoke of mentors,
Of women who inspired them,
Women they were friends with,
Who taught them so much,
Who put a desire in them to know Him more,
To serve Him more,
To care more,
To show more love to others.
I thought of people I know,
People who inspire me,
People I want to be like "when I grow up".
They told us how these people never knew,
How all along they'd been watching their mentors
While their mentors were unaware that every move,
Every word
Was being absorbed.
Later, when their mentors found out they'd been watched,
They were surprised to find that someone had been looking up to them.
That knowledge made them worry more about their actions,
What they'd said or done,
What kind of impact they'd made,
If they'd truly been shining His light in the midst of their daily mess.
I didn't think anyone looked at me that way.
Me - messy me.
Shy,
Quiet,
Yet sometimes a little too loud,
Sometimes a little too bossy,
Often stumbling over my words,
Saying what shouldn't be said,
Or mixing things up so that meanings are switched.
Thank God for miracles.
She's been crashing in my room for a few weeks,
Hiding from roommates,
The conflicts,
The discomfort,
The pressing.
I've been there, too.
We've spent hours talking,
Avoiding homework together,
Sharing,
Loving,
Being.
It's been such a blessing for me,
Me, the shy one,
The one who takes forever to make friends,
And a year and a half seems like an eternity
When the only friends around are good friends,
But not the deep kind of friends you eat half of your meals with,
Not the deep kind of friends you hang out with at every opportunity.
It's been great just having a really good friend,
Someone to have dinner with,
Someone to sit with in church,
Someone to care for in any way I can.
I'd been dreaming of how good this feels,
This forming of deep friendships.
Then I got to live it.
I didn't realize just how much I'd been blessing her, too.
After all, I'm a mess.
How could I be much of a blessing?
How could I doubt His power to use my weakness?
How could I doubt His ability to make a mess into a masterpiece?
She told me the next week,
"You know what they were talking about at the retreat . . .
Mentors?
Well, you're mine."
I was so touched,
And yet so unworthy.
Me?
Shy little me,
Just a few years into understanding that this walk is a relationship,
Just a few months into reading my Bible every single day,
Just starting to
passionately desire to know Him.
Me?
But I'm so imperfect,
I'm just learning all these things, too,
And it was coming here and meeting these people
And wanting to have faith like them
That made my faith grow more than I'd imagined it would,
But it's still not enough.
I still want more.
I still need more.
Why would you choose me?
She gave me a card when we exchanged Christmas presents.
"Mary, . . . Thanks for everything you have done for me! You are an angel sent by God."
It hits me even more deeply.
Me? An angel?
I absolutely believe in God's ability to use people,
I absolutely believe that even just a smile or a hug can be a much-needed gift straight from Him,
But those gifts come through other people,
Wiser people,
Smarter people,
People with more faith.
Yet, this time, He used me.
How could I deserve to have Him work through me like that,
Yet isn't that all I want -
To serve Him,
To live for Him,
To live like Him,
To shine His light?
I guess I'm doing better than I ever would have imagined,
Yet I still have so much to learn.
Me -
A mentor,
An
angel?
I hope I haven't said anything I shouldn't have . . .
Thank God for miracles.
I really am sorry it's been so long. Thank you for grace.
Linking up over here today, walking with Him (because someone's always watching, right when you least expected . . . but mostly just because it's so much better that way).
Please stop by the bottom of this post and check out some of the other Walk With Him Wednesday blogs. The ones I've had the time to read have all been really good!
Have a wonderful Christmas!
